what is accountability?
what is righteousness?
how do we go from places of harm to places in which we can heal?
my addiction and my recovery have taught me things about myself- they’ve brought me to deeper places within myself and, in some way, i am grateful to have these feelings/ urges/ desires/ and struggles because they make me into the person who i am destined to be- who i want to be. i am growing through pain.
at this moment i am in a place of both distress and gratitude.
my addiction to meth made me a liar, a thief and cloudy minded. i ran in confusion.
insanity made it worse.
triggers- whiteness, gossip, shit talking, lies, poverty, struggle, punishment, etc… those are my triggers and living in spaces where those things prevail harms me.
i am learning how to breathe now when i feel triggered and how to look for out’s that are healthy.
this week i struggled hard. it has been almost two weeks of sobriety. i decided to attempt to not drink or smoke weed for a month to gain clarity of self. in these two weeks i have continued to struggle to receive social services (which have been denied and prolonged for months), i struggled to say “no” to the invites of older partners, and i have struggled to be at peace with the fact that i have lost the trust of some community members. and i feel proud in the fact that i have not used or sought escape. i have felt irritable and on edge. i have felt pushed and pushed by circumstance and by folk whom i considered friends.
they assume that im using whenever i am gone for more than 4 hours.
they assume that im using whenever i hum low.
they assume that im using whenever i loose something.
they assume that im using whenever i get angry.
they assume because of what i have been
and i cannot fault them. i can only try to find peace in the fact that i know i am trying and that one day maybe they will believe again- once i prove it.
however, i will not take on more than what i am accountable for. it has been hard to own mistakes of the past and to move forward because i feel so very alone.
and so i talk to flowers- because they listen without judgement, or looks, or gossip. i can confide in them what i truly feel.
and i walk because thats where i feel at home
and because thats where i am at peace
and i dance because i feel a righteous high then- i feel natural then- i feel left alone then- i feel the world of trauma cease.
if no one will be there to believe me in my recovery, then i must believe myself and believe in myself.
i will believe in myself, no matter what problems come my way.
i will work to build the life that i deserve and i will cast off all who believe darkness about me (friend and foe).
and i feel growth here. i feel happy here. regardless of what notice or bill is due, it will be made right because it’s possible.
and i know i have to feel this entire weight right now.
but i also know that it will not last forever because i can grow wings.
i can fly.
someday i will fly.
even though i am burned out on relations and folk- i will fly.
and for those who don’t believe in me- be gone.