morning affirmation

ancestors give me strength.

ahm really struggling.

this is day two of having intense dreams about relapse and waking up wid fire in mah stomach. 

dis disease is powerful- makes me see the only way into the embrace of another man as being through usage. 

ah know dat loneliness is more than that for me. it is about the process of coming to comfort wid yo’self and not just findin’ that holdin’ in ‘nother man but it sure feels kinda nice. to be held. 

affirmation made to mahself: “you is beautiful, perfect, and whole just as you is- you is beautiful, perfect, and whole just as you is. all that you need in love and life is there or on the way- waiting for you to be ready. be still. be present and enjoy this movement.”

 

 

moving past what isn’t ours to sit with

what is accountability?

what is righteousness?

how do we go from places of harm to places in which we can heal?

my addiction and my recovery have taught me things about myself- they’ve brought me to deeper places within myself and, in some way, i am grateful to have these feelings/ urges/ desires/ and struggles because they make me into the person who i am destined to be- who i want to be. i am growing through pain.

at this moment i am in a place of both distress and gratitude.

my addiction to meth made me a liar, a thief and cloudy minded. i ran in confusion.

insanity made it worse.

triggers- whiteness, gossip, shit talking, lies, poverty, struggle, punishment, etc… those are my triggers and living in spaces where those things prevail harms me.

i am learning how to breathe now when i feel triggered and how to look for out’s that are healthy.

this week i struggled hard. it has been almost two weeks of sobriety. i decided to attempt to not drink or smoke weed for a month to gain clarity of self. in these two weeks i have continued to struggle to receive social services (which have been denied and prolonged for months), i struggled to say “no” to the invites of older partners, and i have struggled to be at peace with the fact that i have lost the trust of some community members. and i feel proud in the fact that i have not used or sought escape. i have felt irritable and on edge. i have felt pushed and pushed by circumstance and by folk whom i considered friends.

they assume that im using whenever i am gone for more than 4 hours.

they assume that im using whenever i hum low.

they assume that im using whenever i loose something.

they assume that im using whenever i get angry.

they assume because of what i have been

and i cannot fault them. i can only try to find peace in the fact that i know i am trying and that one day maybe they will believe again- once i prove it.

however, i will not take on more than what i am accountable for. it has been hard to own mistakes of the past and to move forward because i feel so very alone.

and so i talk to flowers- because they listen without judgement, or looks, or gossip. i can confide in them what i truly feel.

and i walk because thats where i feel at home

and because thats where i am at peace

and i dance because i feel a righteous high then- i feel natural then- i feel left alone then- i feel the world of trauma cease.

if no one will be there to believe me in my recovery, then i must believe myself and believe in myself.

i will believe in myself, no matter what problems come my way.

i will work to build the life that i deserve and i will cast off all who believe darkness about me (friend and foe).

and i feel growth here. i feel happy here. regardless of what notice or bill is due, it will be made right because it’s possible.

and i know i have to feel this entire weight right now.

but i also know that it will not last forever because i can grow wings.

i can fly.

someday i will fly.

even though i am burned out on relations and folk- i will fly.

and for those who don’t believe in me- be gone.

sobriety and flowers

sobriety and flowers:
lessons. what we have done cannot be undone. it can only be acknowledged and held. it can only be seen for what it is and dealt with. we must be accountable for our actions but not for anything else. we cannot hold others movements as our own, nor can we take on their joy or toxicity lest we want to invite stress and relapse. i will not be held to task for more than i am accountable for. my wings are spreading and i will fly. if you do not believe me or support me then be gone. you are poison and i am a peacock in transcendence.

they tell us- that this isn’t our fault but is still our weight to shoulder.

it’s hard.

mightily so-

to look into a mirror that fills itself out in the image of a person we become not familiar with. 

it becomes hard to say to ourselves- that we need help and to be held

and that the language to express such was never given to my tongue. 

i lost to urges i couldn’t speak against

and let them take me where white men dance on ruins, and humiliation. 

the ground beneath our feet is cracked

torn earth. 

beds  

made from dirt, her sisters, and the infinite lay us down

call us out in a way of holding.

they tell us-

that this isn’t our fault

but is still our weight to shoulder.

the way it was for the ancestors who broke backs in fields for profit.

and as we sleep uneasily 

we dream

of one day having skin gentle enough for the lightest kiss. 

we dream that we may one day accept ourselves as easily as those lies in our guts.

that we may one day see in mirrors 

what others see in our hearts.

on reading me.

i am not a book

to be read at the whim of others.

even my tattered pages-

which sometimes fly from the binding involuntarily –

deserve respect.

if my words are found open,

then please return them unread.

it will mean so much more when i speak them to you.

i promise.